Why We Shouldn't Care What Others Think of Us

As recently posted in the Emma Joy Weekly Newsletter

Opinions Are Not Facts


Hey, everyone.


I'm glad to be addressing today's topic. It is something that stole my joy and increased my insecurities for too many years of my life. I am referring to the opinions of others regarding us.


People often form set opinions about us without knowing us well at all. They assess everything from our attire, to our walk, to how we decorate our homes, to the music we enjoy. It's never-ending. What's funny though is that they don't know much at all of what has made us who we are. They don't know the life experiences or friendships that have helped shape who we are and what we like. They don't give us room to be our own person with interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes all our own.


People may want to shape us into their image and sometimes succeed through their incessant (and unnecessary) comments or gossip. Sometimes we cave...or worse yet, sometimes we begin to hide who we really are and get so caught up in our own world that we start to shun good people from having the opportunity of getting to know us for who we are. We wrongly assume that every person we meet is judgmental, cruel, rude, and mean. We believe that no one will like us if they got to know the real us, so we begin to wear a mask and keep the conversation shallow despite who we're around since we fear mere opinion. And this is a shame and disgrace.


How many people have deep insecurities that stem back to a few words a family member, teacher, or passerby said in haste because they were in a bad mood or thought they knew how our lives should go? How many times have other people made us think that their opinion of us is what everyone thinks of us? My sister was a cruel and hurtful presence in my life for years. Her careless comments or meanness really scarred me deeply. And sadly the result has been one of separation in our relationship because I refuse to converse with someone who is belittling by her very manner and has a way of leaving me feeling undesirable and like I won't ever amount to anything.


I used to think how she viewed me was how everyone viewed me, and let me tell you, it messed me up! I always felt less than around her because that is the air she put across around my family and me. But God has since helped me to work through the effects of her presence over a lifetime and brought along many people who appreciate my uniqueness instead of shunning me as "weird" or "random". Ever since I learned how to set boundaries, surround myself with healthy people, and sought to make a difference in this broken world, I have learned that one person's opinion cannot dictate how I live my life or how I view myself or my future.


I share this to encourage and comfort each one of you who have bought the lie that the opinions of others are fact or their thoughts regarding you are gospel truth. They are not. Their opinion is their own. And I can guarantee there is a world of hurt and unresolved issues behind every mean word, careless neglect, or gossip which is based on warped perception and a skewed lens.


We are all the result of our upbringing, our life experiences, and the people we've encountered since our earliest days. Please don't allow the opinions or words of others to convince you that they know what is best for you or how your life should go.


We should regard the endless criticisms of others as pride and clueless chatter. Just like you are not what has happened to you in life, neither are you what others have said to or about you. Only you and God truly know all the details. And only the opinion of God truly matters. How unfortunate we don't keep this truth at the forefront of our minds!

Comparison Blinds People

Comparison blinds us to the very real problems others have. We focus only on what we can see and forget that people are really good at hiding the not-so-glamorous parts of their lives.
But have you considered...


*The beautiful coat that girl is wearing may have been given to her after she lost everything in a fire?


*The nice outfit that guy is wearing may be the only attractive attire he owns which was purchased strictly for special occasions?


*The family ahead of you in line at the grocery store with all that delicious food might actually be homeless and living in a motel but after receiving gift cards from someone who was generous, they were able to buy delicious food...finally?


*The successful businessman you envy may have endured ill treatment throughout his entire childhood by strict parents whose demands and neglect drove him to stop at nothing with pursuing success so that hopefully, he could gain their approval one day?


*The new car that couple has may have been given to them as a gift from their church or a dear friend after their previous car got totaled and two of their kids died in that accident?


*The girl whose makeup always looks nice may have learned to perfect her look in order to hide the bruises or scars on her face that have resulted from an abusive relationship or birthmarks?


*The man or woman who materially lacks for nothing might be battling addiction?


*The marriage that has endured for twenty years, husband and wife may rarely communicate and have slept in different rooms and led separate lives for more than half of it?


*Popularity might be the downfall of an otherwise innocent teen who will overdose on heroin in a matter of months or contract a fatal STD because they hate the label of still being a virgin?


*The good-looking guy who has no problem getting women might have nightmares every night from the trauma he experienced as a child?


*The seemingly happy family has many skeletons in their closet?


*Celebrities with countless fans may cry themselves to sleep often because they don't trust people and lack genuine friends?


*The outgoing and confident girl may be haunted by the choices she made a year ago and desperately wishes she could undo her past?


What we see of people is usually only a tip of the iceberg. Humans are secretive by nature due to the shame and guilt we all experience, so save yourself the pain of comparison by not wishing you were someone else or thinking others have it better than you.

Comparison Distorts Reality and Breeds Insecurity

Comparison: Such an exercise is futile, illogical, harmful, and silly. It brings envy, anger, or even disdain toward others. It distorts reality and breeds insecurity (making us feel less than).


We know little if anything of what others have been through, engaged in, experienced, been exposed to, where they are headed, and how their lives will turn out. We aren't aware of the guilt or sorrow they carry, their insecurities and fears, or consequences they may have reaped from poor choices. We don't know all the ways they have suffered at the hands of others or the sort of parents they had growing up. And oftentimes, people put on an act to mask their pain or true feelings. They try to run from their past or do all they can to not be reminded of the regretful choices they have made throughout their years. And this can be played out in many scenarios, habits, or hangups. It can even manifest itself through the pursuit of a selfish, impure, and careless way of living (what appears fun to outsiders while only serving as a distraction from real healing and transformation that can only take place through seeking proper help).


"Do not compare your behind-the-scenes with everyone else's best spotlight." Unknown


Every person (even those we compare ourselves to) needs direction, guidance, accountability, mentors, character, and to be taught continually in life by those who are a noble example and exemplify character...and what is scary is how some people who live carefree and appear as if they are happy and having fun end up making choices that lead to dreadful repercussions and because of this, we can logically concur that seeing glimpses of the glamorous lives of others only shows brief segments of their daily reality. We don't know what their futures hold and how one night or poor decision can turn their world upside down.


Be wise, be accountable, be transparent, be authentic, and think long-term. So many people neglect these gems and only live for the moment then suffer greatly for their choices within time. Live each day focused on the responsibilities at hand. Don't worry what others say or think about you. Seek advice from trustworthy and credible sources as to the best paths to travel in life and don't fret over the mere opinions or snickery and assumptions of your fellow-man.


Every choice we make is leading us further into our futures, and thus forming what will be our daily reality for years to come. Don't be a fool and go along with the crowd for momentary acceptance and ruin yourself in the process.

Comparison is Both Futile and Illogical

Everyone we meet has a history of mistakes, failures, accomplishments, insecurities, sorrows, choices they are proud of and decisions they regret, places they have been (good and bad), people they have met (for better or ill), beliefs built, habits formed (beneficial and heartbreaking), goals set, plans made, an upbringing that helped or scarred them, etc.


Therefore, it is foolish to compare ourselves to them (for you never truly know what they have gone through or the skeletons in their closet). You don't know what keeps them awake at night or makes them get out of bed in the morning. You don't know the weight of responsibility on their shoulders or their living situation. You don't know if they are suicidal or even if they will ever be saved or are genuinely saved (time will tell). You don't know every relationship broken and every hurt or form of bondage they carry. You don't know what their childhood was like or the sort of parents they had, how they did in school or where their future is fully headed.


So please, do yourself a favor and stop wishing you were someone else. Stop assuming that everyone has it better than you. Stop thinking that a nicer looking face (in your opinion) or greater wealth equals happiness or lack of problems. Stop believing that being popular or thinner, taller or more outgoing, will bring lasting fulfillment (because it won't). Our hearts are too complex and our worth too valuable (being made in the image of God and Him forming us in our mothers' wombs - Psalm 139: 13-14) to find total security or rich fulfillment in the things of this world.


Rest in the One who can make you a new creature in Him (Second Corinthians 5: 17). Surrender your life (and will) in its entirety to the King of kings and Lord of lords. God is the only One who can satisfy the human heart. As the song O Holy Night states it:

O holy night the stars are brightly shining

It is the night of our dear Savior's birth

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

'Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth

Being Kinder Than You Feel

As recently posted in the Emma Joy Weekly Newsletter

Be 'Sweet as Pie'


If we knew what goes on behind the scenes in people's lives, we would treat them a lot different.


It's fascinating the way we take our anger or frustration out on those around us or put them down by our words, attitude, or manner simply because we are upset. Just imagine what life would be like if everyone in the world gave another person one genuine compliment a day, smiled at people, and offered a helping hand or listening ear no matter where they go or who it is.


Recently my family and I went to buy a few items at a natural foods store. We were about an hour away from our usual surroundings and were surprised at the number of homeless people we happened to see in that particular shopping center and town. My brother and I felt compassion for an elderly gentleman whom you could tell was homeless, so we bought some granola bars and chips for him. We asked what his name was and before walking away he asked what our names were and reached out to shake our hands. This brief experience taught me that even though someone might be homeless, they want to be acknowledged just like anyone else and not looked down upon or treated in any way other than a respectful manner where they receive the same consideration as others who may be financially secure or have more in life.


My grandma is very keen on making other people feel welcomed and paid attention to. A few years ago when she had her own place, she liked to take the bus and go on walks in order to get groceries. She would tell us how smiling at others, saying hello, or engaging in friendly dialogue would really light up some people's faces "Because," she would say, "maybe no one pays attention to them and you don't know if that really made their day. You might be the only person to acknowledge them and everyone likes being paid attention to."


It makes me think back to times during my teen years where I had no filter on what I'd say around adults and could be terribly mean with little regard to how my words were impacting others.


The shortest sentence, rudest look, or passing comment we are told has the ability to stay with us for years to come. Just the same, the words we say and manner in which we treat people has the ability to stay with them for much longer than we would expect or even remember. Misery, change, or a host of other emotions and experiences can cause us (if not surrendered to God and our thoughts taken captive) to be in a perpetual bad mood; a mood in fact that may lead us to say or do things that aren't polite or can be like a sword in someone's heart by the pain it causes. How we treat people could lead them to engage in self-injury, binge eat and cling to having an eating disorder, consider suicide, or continue the cycle of hurting someone else because of their own pain or bad mood due to your influence. It has a snowballing effect and can become a vicious cycle where more and more people are hurt and nothing good results. It leaves people broken and only hinders any growth in having a correct self-image or understanding their worth as God's creation; fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139: 13-14).


I'm unsure what your particular stronghold is or what you have used for as long as you can remember to try and cope with the stresses of life. Something God has been teaching me over the last few months is how sexual acts were not created by Him to be used as a distraction or to numb pain when we feel lonely or are hurting in some way. Sex has specific purposes as described in God's word and feeling good for the moment when we receive bad news or assume we will be single forever isn't it. To you, whether acting out means sleeping around, visiting strip clubs, hooking up with prostitutes, having friends with benefits, engaging in masturbation and porn use, or having one night stands every few weeks, you are using sex and pleasure for the wrong reasons and therefore your unwillingness to part ways with it fully will only leave you even emptier since it can never and will never deliver in the truly satisfying way God intended sex to be enjoyed: in the context of monogamous marriage.


The pleasures will only last and grow if the marriage relationship itself is kept alive through ongoing communication, quality time spent together, seeking the Lord together, a willingness to work on issues in the relationship, staying away from counterfeits like pornography, self-gratification, flirtation, or emotional affairs with someone who is not your spouse, and both people seeking to work on themselves and the relationship on a continual basis. I know this to be true because even in a dating relationship, there is a great difference with the pleasures of sex between you and a boyfriend or girlfriend whom you truly care about vs. a casual fling.


Please pray for me in regards to my speech, attitude, and the deep seated issue I have about caring what others think. I especially hate when people think things about me that are not true or hold my past against me. How it affects me differs depending on the person, time, and situation, yet affect me it does.


Find ways to bless people today. Save the last few cookies for a family member who will be pleasantly surprised to receive this treat. Write a short email to a friend thanking them for something specific you appreciate about them. Let your sibling play a few extra levels of their video game before you watch TV or choose to let it go if someone cancels plans last minute that you've been looking forward to for over a week. You never know what is going on in their lives or how much the kindness you extend will be cherished as a sweet memory!

How Do You Treat People Who Aren't Considered Normal?

How do you usually respond when seeing someone at work, school, the grocery store, or walking by who is likely labeled as awkward, insecure, strange, or different? Is your first reaction one of cringing and wanting to avoid any contact with them, hoping they won't look up as you walk by or they don't stand in line or sit next to you in class? Do you join with others in making fun of their appearance, voice, manner, attire, or personality? Do you see them as less than valuable or make quick judgments based upon the limited amount of info you know about them (if any)?


What thoughts do you have towards people who wouldn't be considered normal by society's standards? It could be people who are mentally ill or look terribly depressed, those who are impoverished or not the fairest in appearance. Do you see them as dirty or gross, odd or unworthy of being friends with or showing kindness toward? Would you ever consider standing out from the crowd and doing the opposite of what the majority does in situations like this by instead extending gracious words, a helping hand, or the offer of friendship to them?


It is amazing how quickly we judge other people and form ideas about them when in reality we know little to nothing about them and what has made them who they are today. We don't know what their childhood was like, the sort of parents or family they grew up around, whether they have suffered abuse or have an eating disorder, if they are addicted to anything or have always felt like they don't relate to others. We don't know what they were just diagnosed with and the effect this awful news has had on them or who they lost recently in a terrible car accident. We don't know if their parents were strict and overbearing or on drugs and died of an overdose which left them an orphan at the young age of ten years old and so living at one place after the other has left them jaded or rough because lack of a structured life has bred feelings of insecurity and rage-filled anger, not trusting people or assuming everyone they meet will hurt or put them down like what they experienced during those first several years prior to being adopted. We don't know their living situation, if they are poor and cannot afford new shoes or fashionable clothes. We don't know if they have been bullied. We don't know if they have suffered in ways we can't even imagine.


...so who are we to think and why do we automatically assume that they are just trash or uncool when we know little to nothing about them?


How would you feel if your life came crashing down all of a sudden and you were left without relatives, a job, or a place to live? How would you feel if your house got ruined because of a fire or if upon the diagnosis of an out-of-nowhere mental illness left you with the need to take various medications that caused weight gain and due to financial circumstances you couldn't afford healthy food to help remain slim?


How would you feel if your parents said they were getting divorced and all of a sudden you lost the ability to live with both of them and so much changed or was lost in the process of their separation? How would you feel?


It's heartbreaking how selfish people are and how inconsiderate, rude, hurtful and clueless they can be. It is sad to observe cliques at school or work who not only ignore the new worker who isn't very confident but also gossip about them in cruel ways behind their back.


It is unbelievable when we can see hurting people in our churches, neighborhoods, families or often at the local grocery store or mall and yet walk by with a condescending attitude or pride in thinking we are better simply because we have a new car or purchased new clothes last week, can afford jewelry or go to restaurants often, grew up in a rich town or have always been outgoing which brought confidence and many friendships (or acquaintances) from a young age.


How shallow we have become as a society to focus so much on the outward while neglecting getting to know others for who they are and not what they have to offer or how much knowing them can benefit us.


As Christians, we have no excuse whatsoever to treat people as the world treats them. We are not to walk over people  or look down at them in order for us to get ahead. We are not to choose friendships based upon how much it can help us climb the corporate ladder. We are not to treasure the popular crowd while treating as worthless those less well-known (or seen as less than). Why don't we join together and not only keep our eyes and ears open for needs we can meet (even in small ways) but also go out of our way to ask around to see how others are in need of friendship, accountability, a listening ear, a place to stay, or financial support? Believers should be distinctly different from the world in how we live, speak, act, think, treat others (especially those less fortunate than us), what we pursue, focus on, and delight in.


What ways can you reach out to people this week to show the love and care of Jesus? Who can you call, spend time with, or write to with encouraging words and a sweet smile? Who can you help with moving (either by getting a truck for them, helping pack belongings, purchasing boxes, or lifting/carrying all the heavy stuff) to relieve the burdens they might be bearing? Who can you buy groceries for this week? What couples do you know whom you can offer to babysit for so they can go on a much needed and long awaited date night together? What ways can you volunteer in the nearby library, hospital, or after school program to bless and assist with any work or chores? Do you know any elderly people you can spend a half hour with two or three times a week after school or work and read to them or play cards or other games together (they might even enjoy just having someone to talk to, watch Jeopardy with, or take a short walk with)? Do you know any single moms you can make dinner for twice a week or buy a gift card for them each week from their preferred grocery store so they are assured having food at home?


There are so many ways we can serve others and bring joy to them in the midst of overwhelming, strenuous, or tear-filled circumstances.


As my teenage brother and I both say, "I want to be the friend I wish I had." Be that friend! Seek the Lord earnestly, beseech Him to become your top priority, humble yourself before Him, surrender all to His Lordship, treasure and apply His word to your every day life, trust in Him without reserve, love Him fervently, obey Him continually, love others for His sake, and in all you do & say, live in a manner worthy of your profession of faith and genuine commitment to Christ.  The unbelieving world is watching!

Sexy Baby (Film Review)

Originally posted on CovenantEyes.com

“We’re like the first generation to have what we have, so there’s no one before us that can…guide us.” – Winnifred, 13 years old

Sexy Baby, a documentary about modern culture’s ability to shape and impact a societal worldview, is a fascinating film. The subject matter follows three women with no relation to each other by finely presenting how living in a sex-saturated culture and the Internet age plays a role in molding the views of various age groups in regards to sexuality, attractiveness, self-image, and monogamous relationships (or lack there of).

New York City middle schooler Winnifred, 13, right, poses in her bedroom for her friend Olivia. The two later post the images to Facebook.

Seen from the eyes of Winnifred, a 13 year old girl growing up in New York City, Laura, a 22 year old girl from North Carolina, and Nichole, a former porn star who is now married and hoping to have children, the film candidly expresses the infiltration of hyper-sexualization in entertainment. The women involved speak of the pressure to post suggestive photos on Facebook in hopes to obtain attention, and porn’s accessibility and influence on those who purposefully or unintentionally stumble upon it. It was interesting to learn the perspectives of three individuals of different backgrounds who have been impacted by the cunning ways of media to form the way we view and relate to others, see relationships, and express our sexuality.

Read the rest of my guest post for the Covenant Eyes blog here

Seeing Ourselves in a Distorted Fashion

Originally posted on WholeMagazine.org

How do you usually cope with feeling ugly?  Do you resort to isolation and avoiding social settings?  Do you make excuses why you will be declining yet another invitation to an event?  Do you starve yourself or binge eat and then purge your body through using laxatives, vomiting, or strenuous exercise?  Do you constantly look up different hair and makeup tutorials on YouTube to learn how you may better your appearance?  ...


There are many reasons a person feels ugly, and so few are worth clinging to.


For starters, if you feel unattractive physically, it may very well be a heart issue that is preventing you from seeing how you look in an accurate way.  I often experience this if I am caught up in sin, feel angry or bitter, or am complaining a lot.  I notice that my perception of how I appear outwardly is distorted because of the ugliness of what is happening in my mind and heart.


Another reason people feel ugly is because they have accepted the lie of our society and culture that if you do not have the body shape, height, or facial features of models on the runway or in fashion magazines, then any hope of you looking nice is simply a distant dream, an impossible reality, a joke.


We may also feel ugly because of the comments others have said to or about us.  We assume we really are fat because a relative mentioned that we have put on some weight since the last time we saw them.  We believe we are too plain because guys at school hardly pay us any attention...and if they do, it could be them using us to get closer to a friend of ours they consider appealing.  We believe all hope is lost if our skin isn't clear, our waist isn't tiny enough, our ears stick out, our lips aren't full enough, or we don't have a feminine figure.


How real these beliefs are to us and oh, how they consume our thoughts; sometimes to the point of being debilitated and not being able to function properly at school or work.  We reason that shriveling up in depression as we wallow in our hurt while avoiding others is the answer instead of seeking after the Lord, the only One able to purify our hearts, restore us, and make us a new creature in Him (Second Corinthians 5: 17); thereby renewing our minds and transforming us from the inside out (and correcting any misconceptions we have about ourselves and others).


If physical attractiveness and sex appeal were what brought about true happiness, why do so many women who are seen as the ideal standard of such suffer from a warped self-image and not-so-obvious yet ever-present insecurity?


Proverbs 31: 30 says, "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised."


Seeking to look our best (in a healthy way that doesn't take up hours of our day) is fine and should be encouraged.  It's always pleasant to dress up, look nice, and take care of ourselves through the proper means (healthy food, good quality vitamins, plenty of water, daily exercise, enough rest, dealing with stress in a healthy way).  It only crosses the line from simply enhancing our appearance to totally reshaping it when all our thoughts are toward looking attractive physically and being found sexually desirable (at the expense of our walk with God and keeping Him first, taking care of our God-given roles and responsibilities, and withdrawing from social invitations because our insecurity has overtaken us).


If you are a Christian girl, you do not need every guy to find you attractive.  It took me long to realize that not everyone will find us attractive, even if we look what is commonly seen as beautiful.  This is because everyone likes different looks and what one might find appealing, another would view as too made up or too thin or not liking straight hair or wanting a girl who was a different race.  Personality, character, intelligence, hobbies, and goals all play a part as well in whether a guy will pursue us in such a way that leads to a God-honoring relationship.


As Elizabeth George has said, "God's word is the ultimate beauty treatment for every woman."  Are you becoming beautiful as time passes, especially in the Lord's sight, or is your main focus on mere external appearance while giving little to no thought as to how you can grow in maturity, a gracious manner, wisdom, character, and cultivating a heart of purity?

"Are You Emotionally Healthy? (5 Minute Check-Up)"

"Are You Emotionally Healthy?  (5 Minute Check-Up)"

by Debra Fileta ( taken from http://truelovedates.com/ )

As a society, we tend to put a lot of time and energy into our physical fitness and well-being, but often forget about the other components of who we are.  Even in our Christian societies where the stress may not be on physical fitness, the focus is definitely on the spiritual components.


While both of these things are important areas to invest in, one part in particular that seems to be severely neglected is the area of our emotional health.  Let me begin by saying that the word “emotional health” consists of a person’s functioning in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.


My career as a professional counselor has given me quite an awareness to this area because I am constantly interacting with people who seem so put together on the outside, but inside, their emotional worlds are in total disarray.  At times, I’ve even experienced this within myself.


Every day there are people who are working so hard to “keep it together” on the outside all the while struggling on the inside.  We get so good at perfecting the mask and living our lives fearfully under its shadow ...


But in order to be healthy and whole as individuals we have to begin living in an introspective way and learning what it means to look within.  That’s hard to do in a world that is so fixated on the tangible and the outward.  It’s crucial to be aware of our emotional temperature as well as the things that bring us toward healing or toward hurt.


Granted, this is all easier said than done- but it’s possible.  Because just like anything else, the journey toward emotional health takes time and energy.  While there are many ways to begin tackling this world within, here are some practices to examine as a start to your emotional check-up:


1.      Thoughts:  As you journal you will find that patterns begin to emerge within your thinking.  These patterns of thinking are likely to reveal a lot about your emotional health.  For some, even when the circumstances in their lives may be difficult, the pattern of thinking that continues to make its appearance is positive and hopeful.  For others, no matter the circumstances, the negative patterns of thinking continue to emerge, inhibiting positive emotions and even preventing life success.  Our mind is such a powerful tool, and it’s a primary contributor to our emotional health.  God knew this well as he discussed the power of the mind and the importance of healthy thinking time and time again through scripture (Proverbs 23:7, Philippians 4:8, Romans 12:2, 2 Corinthians 10:5).  It’s vital to recognize our thinking patterns and habits, and to begin the practice of reclaiming them to health.


2.      Feelings:  I couldn’t possibly write an article about emotional health without addressing the component of emotions!  The interesting thing to note, though, is that I never start at the emotions.  It’s important to understand that emotions serve a purpose; they are given to us as a compass to help point us toward the right track in our lives and our relationships.  But due to the negative life circumstances beyond our control, the inevitable results of the fall, as well as our own personal sins and mistakes, sometimes our compasses can be in desperate need of repair.  To be an emotionally healthy person means to live a life directed by emotions, not dictated by them (Tweet It!)  It’s important to reflect on our emotions and to keep them in check, remembering that just because we feel something doesn’t always mean that it is truth. Stress, frustration, fear, excitement, guilt and anger are just a few of the emotions that can serve as a tool to drive us to action.  But to be emotionally healthy means that we align our emotions to reality, rather than allow them to become reality.


3.      Interactions:  Another reflection of our emotional world is found in the quality of our interactions with others on a day to day.  Is our life made up of positive, enriching relationships, or are we engaged with those who take, diminish, and rob us of our joy?  Your relationships determine a lot about your emotional health because as one of my favorite phrases claims, “You teach people how to treat you”.  In essence, we are in charge of the kind of interactions we are willing to engage in, and which ones we choose to disengage.  We are in charge of the boundaries and the limits we set in the relationships in our lives and our emotional health will either empower or inhibit us in doing so.


4.      Behaviors:  The last thing to examine as part of your emotional check up comes down to your external behaviors.  Like it or not, what we do tells us a lot about who we are.  The activities, habits, and behaviors that we engage in stem from the seed of emotional health or dysfunction that have been watered within our lives.  Take a look at how you spend your time and the activities you choose to participate in.  An emotionally healthy person will see the fruit of things that build them up and benefit their lives, while an emotionally unhealthy person will see a pattern of destruction and harm.


In order to get a good gauge of your emotional health, you have to take a look in the mirror and come face to face with these things.  For some people that is hard.  They are not prepared to dig deep and discover what’s really going on inside. Doing so may uncover some deep seated emotional pain and hurts that they would rather keep stuffing than bring to the surface.


The practice of an emotional check up may be hard, but it is an important first step in taking action when it comes to becoming a healthy person.The beautiful thing about this particular process is that you get to decide when to go deep and when to come up for air.


...

What Do You Find Most Attractive in a Person?

I remember being an adolescent and my mom saying fairly often how shallow teenagers are.  She wisely noted that they care so much about physical appearance and will date someone merely over how they look.


I have a teenage brother and we have a good friendship.  He will share aspects of what takes place at school, let me know stuff going on with his friends, and let me know about the teenage mentality.  I love that I wasn't a teenager too long ago and can totally understand or even relate with what he shares are the priorities or interests of most teenagers.


You know, so many people think that skinny means attractive and if someone has any weight on them, this disqualifies them for being seen as beautiful or good looking.


The other day, I explained to my brother that relationships thrive on so much more than just finding the other person physically attractive.  So much has to be in place for a relationship to be all it can be.  It begins with both people being devoted followers of Christ, genuine disciples of His, and whose top priority in life is the Lord and His word.  This should be a given for the Christian.


Other ways people find joy in relationships include:

• Character
• Sense of humor
• Personality
• Interests
• The way they treat others
• How they spend their time and money
• Entertainment they enjoy (and dislike)
• Whether they are family-oriented or not
• Intelligence
• Being trustworthy
• Maturity
• Shy or outgoing

...and much more.


Being attractive isn't a one-size-fits-all deal.  It can't be.  There are far too many looks and hobbies, personality types and character traits in people for only one or two looks to be the standard for what we all fawn over and esteem as attractive.


Some people like others of a specific nationality, while some prefer those who are mixed or don't really have a preference.


Some people like others with blue or green eyes, while many enjoy the beauty of brown colored eyes.


Some people like those who have dark short hair, while others like curly blonde hair.


Some people find tall people attractive, while others like average height.


Some people want to be with someone who is rather thin, while others prefer people to have weight on them.


...you see, friends, not everyone wants the picture perfect looking male or female.  There are some celebrities for example that many women or men become giddy over, while I and several others I have spoken with do not find their look attractive at all.


Please understand that absolutely we should take care of ourselves physically and have healthy food so we can be strong and in the best shape possible.  It's not a problem at all to seek to enhance our God-given appearances through healthy methods such as good quality vitamins, plenty of rest, exercise, a diet rich in fruit and vegetables, etc.  We should seek to look our best not only to feel better about ourselves, but also to honor Christ and His word (Looking sloppy isn't a good representation of a soldier in Christ who wants to honor his or her King by looking and acting in a put together manner).


If you wrestle with having a low self esteem, I highly encourage you to read the posts on my blog under the label, "Self Esteem" which can be read here.  The articles and entries offer a correct perspective regarding this issue and should be helpful.


What do you find most attractive in a person?  What do you admire most in others?  Let me know by leaving a comment or writing to me directly at:  EmmaJoyBlog@gmail.com

Being Labeled a Prude or Losing Your Innocence

 

 

 

In this post, I would like to discuss women, provocative attire, and feeling the need to continue pushing the limits with how we act, dress, speak, flirt, dance, etc. to cater to men in general.  I would like to address the decision to make destructive choices and how foolish it is to give up your innocence all in the name of fitting in.

 

 

It's really interesting how so many women will claim men are jerks and yet these very women do not think about how their actions, choice of clothing (or lack of it!), flirtatious manner, willingness to act in a sensual manner with guy friends, and their constant bringing everything back to sex and perverse conversation adds to the reality of how men are today.

 

 

In today's society, with the abundant presence of pornography and music videos, raunchy television programs, reality shows on MTV and VH1 (and HBO, etc.) and music lyrics hailing sex and making it a god, women grow up from the time they are little with the strong belief that as long as they are sexually desirable and willing to cater to a man's every demand (no matter how degrading or disrespectful), that life will go well with them and they can look themselves in the mirror with the assurance that they are desired, wanted, and lusted after and therefore must be a worthwhile contribution to society.  WRONG.

 

 

Women, do you not care to be treasured and held, gently kissed and admired, known for your intelligence and goals and not merely be seen in the light of how sexually attractive you are?  How sad it is to see countless young girls willing to throw themselves at men, or "sext" or even make their own pornography (which, you can be sure, will in some way be regretted and used against them in some way in the future).  How unnerving to see girls in junior high willing to engage in sexual acts with guys in high school (or those who lie about their age), all for the fleeting belief that they are wanted.

 

 

Girls, you are SO much more than just body parts and how well you perform sexually.  It's pretty crazy to realize what girls are willing to do just so they can fit in or not be the victim labeled as a prude.

 

 

And guys, it's pathetic how you are willing to lose your virginity to a random girl whom you just met at a party or through a friend all so you are not the laughing stalk among your friends for (supposedly) being the only guy in your grade or group of friends who hasn't gotten any.

 

 

Why don't you man up and wait until you're in a committed relationship with a girl you have gotten to know (best in the context of marriage - especially for you Christian guys) instead of wanting the approval and praise of pathetic guys who blindly believe they are a man if they can say they've had sex or wanting to be labeled as a player for all the girls you can use.

 

 

Girls and guys, here's a challenge:  Think long-term with every decision you make.  Here's a list of questions to help you do just that:
 

 

• When you meet someone who is more than just a sex object or body to you (or temporary way for you to feel desired) and you pursue a relationship with them hopefully leading to marriage, will you regret not losing your virginity to this precious person and look back in regret that you couldn't share this special experience with them and wasted it on a pointless fling?
• Would getting an STD or unplanned pregnancy fit into your future goals?  How do you feel about contracting AIDS or herpes of which there is no cure?  What are your thoughts about having a child already or getting an abortion that is sure to haunt you as you age because at one point, you'll realize the act of sex without regarding the fact you could get pregnant and then aborting the kid was a mistake you wish you could take back?
• Do you understand that junior high and high school, as real and problematic as this stage in life is, won't last forever and some of the choices you are making today will affect you possibly for the rest of your life?  Man's empty praise and the distorted recognition of others isn't worth making decisions that could drastically alter your life (and hinder your life) for years to come.
• Deep down, who you are when you are alone and awake in the middle of the night with your thoughts and no one to speak to, what is it you really desire?  Is it popularity?  Is it intimacy?  Is it genuine friendship?  Is it wanting to be "cool"?  This reminds me of bullies at school or kids who rebel.  It makes me think these kids are in need of attention, love, care, respect, and recognition, but are going about this in the wrong ways.  The same applies to sleeping around or losing your virginity or playing spin the bottle or getting drunk (and a host of other choices).  You are asking for the attention you crave in all the wrong ways.  It isn't lasting and will not truly satisfy.

 

 

What will truly satisfy?  What will bring about a healthy self-image, a correct view of others, and a fulfilled life?

 

 

- Get right with God and stop playing games with Him (take Christianity seriously.  Don't make it only something you do on Sundays).

- Study Christian resources.

- Attend church weekly.

- Form accountability friendships.

- Seek Biblical counsel.

- Pray to God from an honest heart (Psalm 62: 8).

- Listen to worship music and stop filling your mind with garbage (it does affect your views and thoughts!)  Use an internet filter on all your devices to stop filthy content from showing (sign up with my affiliate code for "Covenant Eyes" here to get the first month free).

- Practice gratitude.

- Stop complaining.

- Excel in school and do your best at other worthwhile pursuits.

- Devour God's word (and thereby renew your mind - Romans 12: 2).

- Stay away from bad influences (First Corinthians 15: 33).

- Eat healthy.

- Exercise.

- Be content.

- Be patient.

- Clean your room and help with chores (a clutter-free home and clean environment always helps to feel better and more at ease).

- Learn new skills.

- Take walks.

- Go on drives.

- Pursue purity and a righteous life (walking in repentance will spare you a ton of guilt & shame and is in keeping with the word of God and how He calls believers to live).

- Help and encourage others.

- Build friendships with your parents and siblings (a healthy family life, to the best of your ability, will greatly help in having a clearer mind.  It makes for a nice atmosphere and brings support).

- Read books that edify and sharpen your mind.

- Start doing your homework the day it is assigned.  Don't put chores, work, or responsibilities off until the last moment (or the night before).

- Cook meals.

- Rest in the fact that your life in its entirety is in God's hands and He can be trusted with every detail of it.

- Stop putting yourself down (it doesn't change anything anyway!)

 

 

...

 

 

What are a few ideas you have to live a healthier life?  How can you grow to have a healthier self-esteem to where you don't feel the need to make destructive choices like others your age?

Depression vs. Joyful Trust in God

 

 

 

Bullying.  Low self-esteem.  Childhood abuse.  Neglectful, distant parents.  Guilt from your past.  Lack of money and success (by the world's standards).  Feeling stupid, unattractive, overweight, and worthless.  ...

 

 

All of this and more contributes to a person's self-image, how they perceive themselves, and the way they assume others see them.

 

 

Sometimes feeling low, hurt, alone, unwanted, rejected, and no good plays out in forms of seeking control (like having an eating disorder and this enabling you to control how much you exercise and the portions of food you allow yourself to eat - after all, the anorexic or bulimic asserts, If I have no control over my out-of-control life, at least I can control this).  It may manifest itself through self-injury, isolating ourselves from others, constant put-downs in our minds that ever seem to haunt and overwhelm us, or acting out by viewing porn often or being addicted to masturbation.

 

 

We may drown ourselves in the reading of many books or watch hours of television.  We may spend time with the wrong crowd because we feel accepted there despite our flaws.  We might even waste time on the internet just so we can be distracted from life's problems.  We figure that constantly having music playing or the TV running in the background will somehow drown out the noise of our insecurities or feelings of inadequacy.  ...and often times, we will find many other ways to cope with our stress, pain, poor self-esteem, or life's uncertainties (not thinking long-term as to how the choices we are making today will affect us into the future) instead of admitting to ourselves first and foremost that yes, we are not perfect and are in need of help, and then taking the necessary steps toward working on our issues.

 

 

Steps such as:

 

• Reading God's word (which is truth and speaks honestly and brilliantly about the human condition of selfishness, guilt, and sin) and allowing God's thoughts in the Bible to shape our thoughts and to become the standard by which we measure everything...including how we see ourselves and view others
• Pray to God as though you were speaking to your closest friend.  The Lord's friendship is different because unlike even the best of friends, He is always present, always trustworthy, always perfect, and always has our best interest at heart.  Psalm 62: 8, "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."
• Seek Biblical counsel.  I cannot stress enough the importance of seeking help from counselors who know the word of God and will help you work through any issues from a Biblical perspective.  I have sought counsel over the last few years with a few different people and am always open to seeking help again if need be because I see the beauty of asking for help and learning how to cope with everyday life in a healthy, God-honoring manner
• Write through email to Bible-believing, Jesus-following, integrity-filled churches and ministries asking for suggestions over resources they recommend that deal with your particular sin or problem
• Stop putting yourself down.  This is something that took me several years to stop doing.  Several years!  I would put myself down as I saw others who were better off in life or prettier or more successful.  I would call myself names and rehearse again and again how unwanted and worthless I was and repeat often that I am no good, a reject, and haven't amounted to anything.  I would question God's character for allowing certain situations to go on in my life and family & became very angry, bitter, resentful, and envious.  I now see that rehearsing put-downs and the enemy's lies daily in my mind was adding fuel to the fire of my desperate and hurting heart & accomplished nothing but scars on my body through self-injury, tears when I felt overwhelmed, and distance between me and the Lord because I was so upset and felt incredibly alone.  I have discovered that similar to lust which is insatiable, putting ourselves down has the same effect: No matter how much we put ourselves down (or the ways we feed our lust), it will never deliver in the way we are hoping.  There were times I felt so low that I thought even the fires of hell would not suffice in the torture I deserved.  (Please understand these were my thoughts at very low times in my life and when I wasn't following after the Lord.  They were the words of a hurting teenager or early twenty-something who was sad and depressed.)  And you know what's amazing?  I am no longer that girl.  What was once darkness is now beautiful, bright sunlight (I love sunlight because it shines and is beautiful to behold - especially during Spring when it isn't too hot or cold outside and flowers and trees look lovely!)  What was once mourning has now turned into dancing (Psalm 30: 11).  What was once a sad and hopeless outlook with no hope for the future because I couldn't see past my current or past circumstances and experiences has now become a restful trust in my perfect Savior who has my whole heart (Second Chronicles 16: 9) and has set me free and made me new (Second Corinthians 5: 17), who has restored me (Joel 2: 25) and cleansed me from my sin (First John 1: 9), who loves me and who has put a new song in my mouth (Psalm 40: 3).

 

 

Readers, if you are hurting inside, please remember that it is NOT shameful to seek help.  It isn't even shameful to feel depressed or sad (we all go through times - or years - like this to a greater or lesser degree and there are many factors to how we feel).

 

 

If you would like to share what is on your heart with me, ask questions, would like recommendations for different ministries that address what you are going through, or just want someone to be an encouragement to you and point you back to the truth of God's word, you may write to me at:  EmmaJoyBlog@gmail.com

 

 

" 'For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.' "  Second Chronicles 16: 9

 

 

" 'O our God...we are powerless...nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You.' "  Second Chronicles 20: 12

 

 

" 'The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You.  Trust in the LORD forever, for in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock.' "  Isaiah 26: 3-4