Why Complaining Accomplishes Nothing But Bad

As recently posted in the Emma Joy Weekly Newsletter

You Gain Nothing from Complaining


Hey, everyone.


Today I'd like to talk about the effects of a heart prone to complaint and why this is never in your best interest no matter your life's circumstances.


Whether you realize it or not, complaining leads to a discontented heart and blinds us to the very real luxuries we get to enjoy on an ongoing basis. It takes our minds off of the good and makes us zero in on what we cannot change or cannot control. It is a calamitous habit. Complaining gives us something to do but the results can be disastrous. Complaining serves to convince us that others have it better and causes us to think that life could not get worse.


Complaining distorts reality. It leaves us feeling dissatisfied, angry, and in a bad mood. It does not change anything. It is a pointless practice.


Complaining causes us to turn away from God instead of toward Him. It disrupts the harmony in all of our relationships. It disturbs our peace of mind.


The way of the wise is to consider your steps, examine how you have contributed to your problems, and ask God what He is trying to teach you through what you're experiencing.


The way of the foolish is to shut down, mock God, snap at the people around you, and give the devil an opportunity to remind you of everything that has ever gone wrong throughout the years. So now you aren't just in the frame of mind to complain about what is happening today, but you begin to recall every single time you have suffered in the past. And like lust, it is never satisfied. It will demand more and more until you're consumed and completely give up.


I challenge you to train yourself in the following exercise until you perfect it: Every time you go to complain, list three positives instead. Every time you want to engage in complaining, list ten things you have to enjoy. Every time you are tempted to complain, praise God instead. Every time you want to complain, remember that tragedies happen every day and you ought to be grateful for every hour you aren't experiencing loss or pain. And when you do experience loss or pain, personal or global tragedy, put your full faith in God and cling to Him. Quote Scripture. Remind yourself that there will be no pain or suffering or loss or brokenness in heaven. Remember the pain and suffering Jesus suffered on your behalf because your soul was that precious to Him.


Every time you want to complain, remember God's beautiful creation. Remember all the times you've made good decisions that led to healthy outcomes. Remember that every person struggles and some, to be sure, would gladly trade their losses and crosses for yours. Remember that the past can be redeemed. Remember that Jesus can give you a new heart and a bright, hope-filled future. Remember that we live in 2019 where all manner of inventions and technology make our lives run smoother in myriad ways. Remember who is still alive in your life that you care about and then send them a text, give them a hug, and call them letting them know you're grateful for every day you have together. Remember all the health problems you don't have. Remember all the times the Lord has made a way out of a bad situation. Remember that you have electricity, the ability to shower often, working toilets, books to read, jokes to tell, people to pray for.


Remember that every moment spent complaining is a moment that can never be regained.


Remember that complaining dishonors the Lord and is a terrible example to the people around you.


Remember that gratitude mends and complaining breaks. It hurts us. It affects our physical and mental health. It doesn't even make us feel better. Why hold on to something that leaves us feeling worse off?


"Happiness comes when we stop complaining about the troubles we have and say thanks to God for the troubles we don't have."


And keep in mind that healthy choices lead to healthy outcomes, healthy perspectives lead to increased tranquility, and deciding with your will to trust in God no matter what life throws your way is always in your best interest. It is these choices that will actually benefit you. It is these choices that will better your time on this earth. Unlike complaining that leaves you feeling hopeless, helpless, and disillusioned (often exaggerating the bad and diminishing the good).


Will there always be reasons to complain? To be sure. Will there always be reasons to be grateful? Most certainly.


As I stated in my previous newsletter, perspective is everything.

The Importance of Letting Others Know How We Feel About Them

"Hearts are often broken by words left unspoken." Unknown


Relationships come and go in our lives. Some are for a season, while others endure for several. Yet what we say and leave unsaid in those friendships can affect people for years to come.


If there is a person in your life whom you care about, tell them. Let them know you think about them, are concerned for them, enjoy their company, and appreciate their influence in your life. If there are people you are currently missing, send them a note or call them. We'd all love to be the recipient of such acknowledgment, and it won't do any good to leave our concern, respect, or love for another person unknown. It could be just what they've been needing to hear and can propel their day forward with a heightened sense of joy and thankfulness. Who knows what they are going through after all?


"It's a shame to waste an encouraging thought by failing to turn it into an encouraging word." Gaston


It saddens me to think of all the words left unspoken that were they to be said out loud, people could actually heal. A part of them would be restored to health because the truth of how another person sees them was brought to light instead of being left to curiosity, assumption, or hearsay. It's sort of like the concept of telling a person while they are still alive all that we admire, respect, and adore about them instead of saying it to an audience of strangers at their memorial service.


I can't help but think of how much easier the moving-on process would be for both people were they to set time aside for civil dialogue where they acknowledge that despite each person's faults and regardless of the way the situation turned out, there were many good times and each person possessed certain qualities that were drawing and impactful to one degree or another. In dealing with broken relationships, if we were all to say, "Thank you for the lessons learned. I wish you well..." instead of becoming bitter at the person's departure and wishing misery upon them, both parties would walk away with a sense of peace for having handled the conversation in a mature manner.


We are all broken people and sadly remain broken because we aren't proactive and consistent in our pursuit of healing. One way we can heal from relationship troubles is to cultivate good character, own up to our mistakes, and have an attitude of humility. If we are willing to be direct and honest with our words, so much could be accomplished. There wouldn't be anything left to question or assume. You would know exactly what the other person is thinking regarding you and the situation you're both in. And you could therefore use that info in seeking counsel from older, wiser mentors on how you should proceed.


Don't leave important words left unsaid. If you are sorry, apologize. If you miss someone, let them know. If you care about, respect, or love a person, tell them. Honesty and transparency yield a connection that can pave the way to intimacy. And how our lives could change for the better were only we to make our feelings known!

How Any Dad Can Hurt His Children Without Even Knowing

Originally posted on CovenantEyes.com

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. –Frederick Douglass

Countless lives testify to this reality. Every child grows up in an environment that either fosters health and wholeness or takes away from the potential of a noteworthy existence. Most often, the influence and teaching of a father drives one of these two options.


As the following points substantiate, fathers make a lasting impression on their kids. What they do, and do not do, will stay with them for years to come. Such a role must be taken seriously and given the utmost attention. Fathers who want to positively impact their children should avoid the following:


Communicating Inconsistently

One of the essential tenets of a good relationship is consistent and honest communication. Intimacy forms the closer you connect with someone, and connecting with someone involves sharing your heart with him or her and taking the time daily to grow in your knowledge of him or her as well. Growing up in a household filled with healthy communication gives children a safety net of sorts and an example to follow. It teaches kids that it is good and right to share openly, ask questions, and seek help.


However, a lack of regular communication stifles a healthy mindset regarding problems in life and even goals and desires. It hinders the development of maturity, a readiness to admit fault, and a willingness to apologize. It causes children to keep their feelings to themselves and can propel them to looking for acceptance and a listening ear in possibly dangerous places since they aren’t receiving teaching and admonition in the home.

Read the rest of my guest post for the Covenant Eyes blog here

Wearing a Mask While Deeply Longing for Connection

PLEASE ... HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING

by Unknown

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled.


... I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm and that I'm in command and I need no one. But don't believe it; please don't.


I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, nothing of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine, don't be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying; what I'd like to be able to say; what, for survival, I need to say but I can't say. I dislike the hiding. Honestly I do. I dislike the superficial phony games I'm playing.


I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous, and me; but you have to help me. You have to help me by holding out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need. Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings. Very feeble wings. But wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, I can make it. You can breath life into me. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. But love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive, and I am a child.


Who am I, you may wonder. For I am every man, every woman, every child ... every human you meet.

How to Listen and Talk in a Beneficial Manner

By Steve Stephens

How To Listen So People Will Talk


LOOK AT PEOPLE WHEN THEY SPEAK TO YOU
If your eyes are focused elsewhere, it will appear that your mind is as well.


LEAN FORWARD AS YOU LISTEN.
Being on the "edge of your seat" shows that, more than just being kind, you are very interested in what they are saying.


GIVE FEEDBACK.
Respond by nodding and smiling. Ask questions. This lets the other person know that you were listening closely to what was said.


DON'T INTERRUPT OR CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
Let speakers finish their own sentences, and allow them to finish talking about the subject they're discussing, even if it's not your favorite.


REPEAT BACK TO THEM SOME OF THE THINGS THEY SAID.
This shows that you were listening. It is also validating and confirming.


COMPLIMENT THEM ON THEIR INSIGHTS AND WISDOM.
This will encourage them to continue sharing with you in the future.


SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION.
Thank them for sharing their thoughts with you.


How To Talk So People Will Listen


BE CLEAR.
Be specific and direct about what you want to communicate.


BE CONCISE.
If you take too long to get to your point, you will lose the other person's attention.


BE CONSIDERATE.
Treat your listener with courtesy and respect.


BE CONSISTENT.
Make sure your nonverbal message is consistent with your verbal message. Also, make sure your lifestyle is consistent with what you say.


BE COMFORTABLE.
If you are nervous or uptight, you will make others feel the same way.


BE CREDIBLE.
Make sure your facts are correct, and be careful about exaggeration.

Becoming a Person of Excellence, Dignity, and Discipline

If you ran for president

by David W. Hegg

While everyone is debating the merits of various candidates, it strikes me we should all consider what we’d have to be and do if the nation drafted us to run.


What would a great candidate look like? What foundational skill set would you and I need? And what would form the basis of our character?


Here are my suggestions.


Knowledge: There is no substitute for being an educated, well-rounded, experienced and wise person who also considers it a privilege to be a life-long learner.


There may be many paths to knowledge, but certainly university and post-graduate studies at reputable institutions go a long way to forming an informed person.


But academic achievement is only the first part of the educational formula. Knowledge is useless unless it is put into practice.


Knowledge rightly used constitutes wisdom, and wisdom grows through experience.


There is no substitute for having labored in the trenches of real life, pitting knowledge against challenge, and using every failure as fuel for future success.


Discipline: Every successful person understands the primary place discipline plays in life.


Sometimes discipline means careful planning. Other times it means sticking to the plan.


At all times it means knowing what must be done, doing it, and never giving in to the temptations to be lazy, take shortcuts, or do the job halfway.


Discipline means knowing “good enough” is never good enough. Discipline always take[s] the right road regardless of its challenges, simply because it is heading in the right direction.


Discipline also means being faithful, trustworthy, and willing to do whatever it takes to keep a promise. Discipline is self-control, understanding the effects of words and actions, and harnessing our tongues rather than letting them rule the day.


You and I may survive without much talent, but we’ll certainly fail without discipline.


Decision-making: Life is made up of millions of small decisions — and a few gigantic ones. When knowledge breeds wisdom, and discipline fuels patience and self-control, you get a solid decision-making process.


Gather the necessary facts, assess the risks, determine the consequences, and make the best decision knowing you’ll have to communicate it well and still take a few knocks.


Good decision-making propels progress, even through rough water, and few skills are more necessary to success than the ability to choose the best way forward.


What we usually call leadership often boils down to decision-making. From choosing those who will give counsel and advice, to adding it all up and determining the right course of action, the most essential skill we will need is the ability [to] make good decisions, communicate them clearly, deal successfully with the consequences, and move the enterprise forward.


Dignity: We’ve all known brilliant people whom no one wanted to be around. Despite their knowledge, discipline, and multifaceted skill set, their lives were devoid of dignity.


Dignity infuses itself into the person and flows out in many forms. Dignity shines in humility when a person takes the task seriously, but never themselves.


Dignity expresses itself in kindness to others, remembering every person deserves to be treated in a dignified manner.


Dignity upholds standards of honor and would rather suffer loss than abandon core ethical values.


Dignity is the passion to always live as our best selves, attempting the most essential tasks no matter how difficult, and striving to make all those around us the best they can be.


In short, dignity is that magnificent place where humility, kindness and honor converge, making the person worthy to be followed.


So if you were to run for president, what would you expect of yourself? What kind of person would you vote for, and are you that kind of person?


It seems to me quite absurd to castigate the candidates for his or her lacks if we are quite comfortable with those same character flaws in ourselves.


Maybe it is time to become the kind of person we could find ourselves voting for. And, who knows, if we became a nation of knowledgeable, disciplined and dignified people capable of making great decisions, we’d probably end up electing the kind of candidates our nation really needs to remain “one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

The Need for Confrontation and Boundaries in Relationships

Taken from

The Game Plan: The Men's 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity

By Joe Dallas

Boundaries are terms that define what's allowable, and not allowable, in any relationship. ...


Compare this to driving, and you'll see my point. When we get on the road, we assume certain boundaries are understood and agreed on by all the other drivers. Stop signs, traffic signals, divider lines, and speed limits are all supposed to be respected; and if they're not, there'll be chaos, maybe even fatalities. It's impossible to drive safely and consistently without boundaries.


It's likewise impossible to sustain safe, healthy intimacy without boundaries. When we relate, whether to close friends, spouses, or family members, we assume certain rules will be understood and agreed on, like mutual respect, fairness, and consideration. If they're not, there'll be chaos and, in the worst cases, relational fatalities.


All of this makes establishing or renegotiating boundaries crucial to you. As you correct the way you're relating--that is, as you become more honest, patient, and consistent--you might also become aware of problems in your marriage, friendships, or business relations that also need correcting. And that may be the time to confront a long-term problem.

What To Confront

When Jesus said, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him" (Matthew 18:15), He allowed some leeway. In every relationship, after all, the person you're dealing with sins against you, and many of the sins we commit in marriage or friendship can (and should) be endured without comment. Our spouse may be late; our friend misses an appointment; someone we love might get irritable and a little abrupt. These are all sins, sure, but they hardly warrant an intervention. Remember, part of our responsibility in any relationship is to show patience and forgiveness, as Paul wrote: "Walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love" (Ephesians 4:1-2).


Generally, then, we're called to a noncritical, gentle approach, especially toward our friends and family. But at times, someone's behavior may either be so seriously wrong or so consistently wrong that it needs pointing out. This is especially true if the behavior is seriously damaging the relationship--maybe even causing it to fall apart. In cases like that, you're not doing the other person any favors by allowing him or her to continue in that sin. In fact, you eventually become a partner in it, because while you are always responsible for what you do, you're also at times responsible for what you allow.


But since the Bible doesn't provide a list showing which sins to definitely confront and which ones to give a pass to, let me take a little liberty here. I've listed below twelve behaviors I've seen displayed by friends, wives, or family members of men I've worked with. When these behaviors have gone unchecked, the damage done has been immeasurable. So if any of the following are regularly coming up between you and someone you're close to, then I'd seriously suggest that a confrontation is called for:

1. Consistent and repeated name-calling or obscenities
2. Humiliation in front of others, during which you're yelled at or criticized, or in which personal information about you is discussed
3. Persistent dishonesty
4. Persistent rejections of your affection and interest
5. Teasing that demeans you, after you've asked the other person to stop it
6. Gossip or other behaviors that divide relationships
7. Repeating and rehashing your past sins, even after you've confessed and repented of them
8. Intrusion into parts of your life the other person hasn't been invited into
9. Refusal to honor terms that have already been agreed on
10. Financial defrauding
11. Sexually inappropriate behavior of any sort
12. Physical violence in any form

If these apply, the next step is to prayerfully and responsibly address them.

How to confront

First, before confronting, examine yourself. Remember Jesus's warning: "And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:3-5).


He didn't say you shouldn't address that plank in another's eye. He only directed you to start with yourself, since you can't see clearly to correct another person if your own vision is clouded.


So be sure you've look at, confessed, and dealt with your shortcomings. In all fairness, the person you confront may know about your sexual struggles and may rightfully wonder why, at this time in your life, you're concentrating on his or her sins, rather than your own.


Second, before confronting, get some additional wisdom. Discuss this with your pastor or accountability partner or group. Tell them what the problem is in the relationship, how it's affecting you, and how you want to deal with it. Get some feedback from them before proceeding by asking some relevant questions:

1. I really feel I need to confront a problem with (person's name). This is what this person has been doing, and this is how it's been affecting me.
2. Does this person's behavior, in your opinion, warrant a confrontation? Or am I making too much of it?
3. Here are the points I want to make in this confrontation. Do they sound clear to you?
4. How does my attitude seem?
5. Are there any other points I should make or issues I should raise?

Third, when confronting someone, be yourself. You don't have to charge in like Rambo when you confront someone, so don't concern yourself with how aggressive you look or how strong you need to be. When confronting, the goal is clarity, not volume. Be sure you know what you're going to say, and don't concern yourself with how forcefully you say it.


Then, when it's time to have the "big conversation," let me suggest a simple five-point confrontation plan I've used over the years.

State your intention

"You matter so much--that's why we're talking."


Make sure the person knows you want your relationship to improve, and that she or he is so important to you that you hate for anything to come between the two of you.


Explain that you've been working on yourself and the sin in your own life and will continue to do so. But there's also an ongoing problem you've got to address.

State the problem

"This is what you've been doing that I wish you wouldn't" or, "This is what you haven't been doing that I wish you would."


Be as precise as possible. Don't talk about generalities (as in, "You're rude to me" or, "You're demeaning me"), but stick to specifics. Try to give at least three examples of the behavior that's causing the problem, and make the examples as recent as possible.

State the result

"Our relationship is changing."


Let this person know the effect her or his behavior is having on you and what it's done to your relationship. Example: "I'm losing respect for you, and we're drifting apart" or, "My heart's hardening toward you even though I don't want it to."

State your request

"This is what I need you to do in the future."


Again, be very specific. Tell the person you're not asking for him or her to feel bad. You're asking instead for changed behavior in the future.


This, by the way, is a good time to level the playing field a bit. When you're confronting someone, the other person almost always feels a bit defensive. No matter how polite you try to be, they'll usually feel as if you're calling them on the carpet, since you're the one with the complaint. Try to show good faith, by showing that you're not just trying to control the relationship, but that you're wanting it to improve.


A way to show goodwill, then, is to explain: "By the way, I know I'm far from being the perfect husband/friend/partner, so maybe there are some things I've been doing that have bothered you as well. Since we're being so horribly honest, why not tell me about them?"


This shows you're not interested in being morally superior and that the other person's feelings and needs really do matter to you.

State the consequences of ignoring your request

"This is where I think we're headed if things don't change."


This should never be presented as a threat but as an honest concern about the future of the relationship.


Hopefully, the person you're having this discussion with will be open to your ideas and will want to work with you toward better boundaries and policies. Often, though, that's not the case. A person may resist you either by denying what you're saying, minimizing its importance, or showing complete indifference to it.


In cases like that, you may need to point out the following:

1. I can't make you change your behavior, but I hope you at least understand the damage that's being caused if you don't.
2. Even though right now you can't seem to see how important this is, I hope you'll think it over, and maybe we can talk about this again.
3. I'd like us to see a pastor or counselor together, because we're not getting anywhere with this. It looks like we need some outside help.
4. If things don't improve, I don't know what steps I'll need to take. I'll have to get some counsel for myself, pray on it, and think it over. I promise to try to do what's right, but I will have to do something, because this isn't acceptable.

Then if the person you're dealing with is still unwilling to talk with a third party, get some wise counsel for yourself. Learn how to deal with or, if necessary, work around a difficult relationship. It's not ideal, but it can be done.


...


If you've been allowing your boundaries to be crossed by the people closest to you, you've been participating with them in their sin by enabling and encouraging it. Further, you've been blocking the intimacy that should be flowing between you and the people with whom you are in primary relationships. To correct this, you'll need to address your own passivity and confront someone else's behavior.


...


If there's an ongoing problem between you and someone you're close to, it will disrupt your ability to be intimate, harden your heart toward that person, discourage honest communication, and encourage personal passivity. ...

Having a Fear of Failure and Rejection

Taken from

The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships

By Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas

Fears and Forgiveness

1. Fear of losing control. Some people feel very uncomfortable when they are not in control of a situation. To ask a person to forgive you means to relinquish control and put the future of the relationship in the other person's hands. Subconsciously, you may find this very difficult.
2. Fear of rejection. When you seek forgiveness, the other person may say no--that is, reject your request. That can feel like personal rejection. For some of us, being rejected is our greatest fear.
3. Fear of failure. To admit you are wrong can feel as though you have failed a person, or even failed in keeping your moral beliefs. To those with this fear, admitting wrong is equivalent to saying, "I am a failure."

...fear of failure--like fear of rejection--is one of the most common fears of humankind! The first step is to acknowledge this fear, first to ourselves, saying something like:


"This is one of my fears. This is why I find it difficult to apologize. But I know that no one is perfect, including me. Sometimes I do and say things that offend my spouse or my friend, and it causes a detrimental effect on our relationship. The only way to amend relationships is by apologizing, so I must learn to apologize in spite of my fear. I understand that making a mistake, saying or doing something that offends another person, is something that all of us do. It does not mean that I am a failure. To admit that what I did was wrong doesn't make me a failure. In fact, it will help me bring healing to my relationship. Therefore, I will go against my fear and apologize. I will admit that I am wrong and I will ask forgiveness."


The person who reasons like this is on the road to becoming a good apologizer and a healthy individual.

Qualities of Integrity

Taken from

Becoming a Person of Influence

By John C. Maxwell and Jim Dornan

If you want to become someone who can positively influence other people, you need to develop the following qualities of integrity and live them out every day:

• Model consistency of character. Solid trust can develop only when people can trust you all the time. If they never know from moment to moment what you're going to do, the relationship will never deepen to a confident level of trust.
• Employ honest communication. To be trustworthy, you have to be like a good musical composition; your words and music must match.
• Value transparency. People eventually find out about your flaws, even if you try to hide them. But if you're honest with people and admit your weaknesses, they will appreciate your honesty and integrity. And they will be able to relate to you better.
• Exemplify humility. People won't trust you if they see that you are driven by ego, jealousy, or the belief that you are better than they are.
• Demonstrate your support of others. Nothing develops or displays your character better than your desire to put others first. As our friend Zig Ziglar says, help enough other people to succeed, and you will succeed also.
• Fulfill your promises. Never promise anything you can't deliver. And when you say you'll do something, follow through on it. A sure way to break trust with others is to fail to fulfill your commitments.
• Embrace an attitude of service. We have been put on this earth not to be served, but to serve. Giving of yourself and your time to others shows that you care about them. Missionary-physician Sir Wilfred T. Grenfell held that "the service we render to others is really the rent we pay for our room on this earth." People of integrity are givers, not takers.
• Encourage two-way participation with the people you influence. When you live a life of integrity, people listen to you and follow you. Always remember that the goal of influence is not manipulation; it's participation. Only as you include others in your life and success do you permanently succeed.

It has been said that you don't really know people until you have observed them when they interact with a child, when the car has a flat tire, when the boss is away, and when they think no one will ever know. But people with integrity never have to worry about that. No matter where they are, who they are with, or what kind of situation they find themselves in, they are consistent and live by their principles.

Being Kinder Than You Feel

As recently posted in the Emma Joy Weekly Newsletter

Be 'Sweet as Pie'


If we knew what goes on behind the scenes in people's lives, we would treat them a lot different.


It's fascinating the way we take our anger or frustration out on those around us or put them down by our words, attitude, or manner simply because we are upset. Just imagine what life would be like if everyone in the world gave another person one genuine compliment a day, smiled at people, and offered a helping hand or listening ear no matter where they go or who it is.


Recently my family and I went to buy a few items at a natural foods store. We were about an hour away from our usual surroundings and were surprised at the number of homeless people we happened to see in that particular shopping center and town. My brother and I felt compassion for an elderly gentleman whom you could tell was homeless, so we bought some granola bars and chips for him. We asked what his name was and before walking away he asked what our names were and reached out to shake our hands. This brief experience taught me that even though someone might be homeless, they want to be acknowledged just like anyone else and not looked down upon or treated in any way other than a respectful manner where they receive the same consideration as others who may be financially secure or have more in life.


My grandma is very keen on making other people feel welcomed and paid attention to. A few years ago when she had her own place, she liked to take the bus and go on walks in order to get groceries. She would tell us how smiling at others, saying hello, or engaging in friendly dialogue would really light up some people's faces "Because," she would say, "maybe no one pays attention to them and you don't know if that really made their day. You might be the only person to acknowledge them and everyone likes being paid attention to."


It makes me think back to times during my teen years where I had no filter on what I'd say around adults and could be terribly mean with little regard to how my words were impacting others.


The shortest sentence, rudest look, or passing comment we are told has the ability to stay with us for years to come. Just the same, the words we say and manner in which we treat people has the ability to stay with them for much longer than we would expect or even remember. Misery, change, or a host of other emotions and experiences can cause us (if not surrendered to God and our thoughts taken captive) to be in a perpetual bad mood; a mood in fact that may lead us to say or do things that aren't polite or can be like a sword in someone's heart by the pain it causes. How we treat people could lead them to engage in self-injury, binge eat and cling to having an eating disorder, consider suicide, or continue the cycle of hurting someone else because of their own pain or bad mood due to your influence. It has a snowballing effect and can become a vicious cycle where more and more people are hurt and nothing good results. It leaves people broken and only hinders any growth in having a correct self-image or understanding their worth as God's creation; fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139: 13-14).


I'm unsure what your particular stronghold is or what you have used for as long as you can remember to try and cope with the stresses of life. Something God has been teaching me over the last few months is how sexual acts were not created by Him to be used as a distraction or to numb pain when we feel lonely or are hurting in some way. Sex has specific purposes as described in God's word and feeling good for the moment when we receive bad news or assume we will be single forever isn't it. To you, whether acting out means sleeping around, visiting strip clubs, hooking up with prostitutes, having friends with benefits, engaging in masturbation and porn use, or having one night stands every few weeks, you are using sex and pleasure for the wrong reasons and therefore your unwillingness to part ways with it fully will only leave you even emptier since it can never and will never deliver in the truly satisfying way God intended sex to be enjoyed: in the context of monogamous marriage.


The pleasures will only last and grow if the marriage relationship itself is kept alive through ongoing communication, quality time spent together, seeking the Lord together, a willingness to work on issues in the relationship, staying away from counterfeits like pornography, self-gratification, flirtation, or emotional affairs with someone who is not your spouse, and both people seeking to work on themselves and the relationship on a continual basis. I know this to be true because even in a dating relationship, there is a great difference with the pleasures of sex between you and a boyfriend or girlfriend whom you truly care about vs. a casual fling.


Please pray for me in regards to my speech, attitude, and the deep seated issue I have about caring what others think. I especially hate when people think things about me that are not true or hold my past against me. How it affects me differs depending on the person, time, and situation, yet affect me it does.


Find ways to bless people today. Save the last few cookies for a family member who will be pleasantly surprised to receive this treat. Write a short email to a friend thanking them for something specific you appreciate about them. Let your sibling play a few extra levels of their video game before you watch TV or choose to let it go if someone cancels plans last minute that you've been looking forward to for over a week. You never know what is going on in their lives or how much the kindness you extend will be cherished as a sweet memory!

Dealing with Difficult People

Originally posted on WholeMagazine.org

Whether it is a boss, co-worker, relative, parent, or spouse, dealing with difficult people can be trying to our patience, disturbing to our welfare, fill us with frustration, bring anger to our hearts, or cause friction in the relationship.


A common factor among difficult people (which often adds to their being difficult) is that they don't realize they are difficult.  They might say their attitude or controlling manner is intended for our benefit because they think they know what is best for us, or they feel as though they are in a place of authority (such as being a boss) and their goal is to run an office that runs smoothly or according to their schedule, regardless of how it will impact those under them (possibly demanding too much or requiring hours of overtime each week with no extra pay).


With this in mind, if difficult people refuse to change because they think they are in the right, what would be most beneficial for us - the ones suffering - is to have a total change of perspective.  We must realize difficult people became that way for a reason; they may be insecure, feel the need to have control because if they don't, their disposition will crumble, or they might have grown up with controlling parents or rough guardians who demanded much from them in an exaggerated or illogical manner.  Difficult people may have been without discipline growing up, did not suffer consequences for poor or disrespectful behavior as they aged, or have been allowed to get away with treating others in a condescending manner and therefore this character trait just snowballed from there.


To change our perspective, we must realize that God is sovereign in all things; including the people around us and the job He has provided, even for a time.  We need to remember that God often places us in situations that are not perfectly desirable, because His intent is to build our character and trust in Him through such difficulties.


We must practice asking the Lord daily, especially in the face of a heated situation or anything-but-pleasant circumstance with the particular difficult people in our lives, for the right attitude and for Him to help us be gracious and patient toward those who are clearly in the wrong with their attitude or out-there demands.  Pray that God would change your countenance and give you a healthy love toward that person, a kind demeanor, and the ability to rise above how we are currently being treated and to give us the strength to remember that difficult people might be putting up a front to hide their own insecurities or issues with anger and past hurts, so they end up treated others in a rude way.  Keep the quote in mind, "Hurt people, hurt people."


We must seek to honor God by our words and attitude, instead of allowing anger (understandably so!) to get the best of us.  The saying is true, "Two wrongs don't make a right".


And have you noticed that retaliating in an ungentle manner toward difficult people only makes the situation worse?  The most beneficial lesson I have learned when it comes to dealing with difficult people is that I will never change them.  It won't change them if I intelligently point out all their flaws and how they are obviously in the wrong.  It won't change them if I speak badly about them or gossip about them to others over their issues.  And it won't change them if I have a rebellious attitude that refuses to live up to my God-given responsibilities (like being a good worker, household chores and raising kids, treating people with common courtesy even when it is not reciprocated, etc.) out of wanting to prove the point that "I won't be treated this way!"  Only God can change their hearts, if He so chooses.


People can harden their hearts toward God; I'm sure there are professing Christians as well who are unwilling to go along with God's game plan of purging them of their lack of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5: 22-23) or who blatantly refuse to surrender their lives in their entirety to the only One who can form Christ's character in them.


I highly recommend books in the "Boundaries" series.  "Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way" by Gary Chapman is an excellent resource as well.  You might want to read, "The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo and listen to "The Healing of Anger" by Timothy Keller (a sermon which can be heard for free on his web site here).  Learning about anger and how to deal with it should give you the right perspective on dealing with difficult (and often short tempered, rude, or angry) people in your life.


Seeking godly counsel over how to deal with difficult people in our lives will be greatly helpful as well.  We cannot deal with trials like this on our own, so having a support system around you of likeminded believers who can encourage you to continue growing in your walk with God (thereby your character being built) is a great idea.


Elizabeth George has written, "Every moment your life exhibits godly character is a moment that glorifies God & honors His Word."


Pray the Lord would make it so.