When They Hit the Teen Years

 

A portion of chapter one in...

"For Parents Only (getting inside the head of your kid)"

by Shaunti Feldhahn & Lisa A. Rice

...When They Hit the Teen Years

 

Here's What We Think is Happening:

 

• Peer pressure pushes kids to rebel and behave in reckless ways without thinking through the consequences.

 

 

Here's What's Really Happening:

 

• The intoxicating nature of freedom--and the fear of losing it--can lead even good kids to make choices that look like recklessness and rebellion, but directly addressing their craving for independence will help them build responsibility.

 

 

Here's What We Think is Happening:

 

• Teens seem to reject parents and their values, no longer caring much what their parents think.

 

 

Here's What's Really Happening:

 

• Separating themselves from their parents' identity is one of the only ways healthy teenagers can develop their own; but even as they seem to push us away, our children still secretly want to know our values and need our affirmation of who they are becoming.

 

Here's What We Think is Happening:

 

• Teens don't want rules or discipline.

 

 

Here's What's Really Happening:

 

• Although our teens test our authority and argue with rules, they secretly want us to stand firm as parents and will lose respect for us if we don't.

Here's What We Think is Happening:

 

• When kids make mistakes, they disregard their parents' opinions or criticism.

Here's What's Really Happening:

 

• Although they may not look like it, kids want the security of knowing we are making the effort to understand them and will be there for them regardless of their mistakes--but kids will emotionally shut out a parent they see as judgmental.

Here's What We Think is Happening:

 

• Kids say parents don't listen.

Here's What's Really Happening:

 

• Kids tend to stop talking because they perceive parents as rotten listeners but will open up when we prove we're safe and calmly acknowledge their feelings before addressing a problem.

 

Here's What We Think is Happening:

 

• Teens give in easily to negative attitudes--afflicting their families with sullenness, anger, or back talk--over what seem to be minor issues.

Here's What's Really Happening:

 

• What looks like an attitude problem may actually be a sign of insecurity, but actively countering our children's fears can build their confidence and help them become more respectful of parents and others.